Went for a picnic yesterday with Y and E. We sat in the meadows surrounded by hundreds of other people.
We wined and dined, quite literally. Rose wine, artichokes, french bread, humous and fruit salad.
We laughed and joked. It was a great evening til it went bad....
I've had this wheezing cough for about 4 days. If I breathe in or out too much and I go into a coughing fit and can't catch my breathe. I was coughing when I was out, so I left them to walk to the bus stop. I made it about 100 yards before I couldn't move because I was coughing so much. I text E to come and meet me. They came and helped me get to the bus stop.
They decided my breathing was that bad I should go to Hospital. So off we went. By the time I arrived I was having to lean on the reception desk unable to talk as I couldn't catch my breathe. They wheeled me away and left E and Y in the waiting room. My temperature was 38.4, I had a fever,hough I felt cold all day. I had all the regualar checks done bloods, blood sugar, blood pressure and oxygen levels.
I was asked if I had any family history of chest problems. Both my Mum and my Dad have asthma. My Mums is very severe. My Dad had pneumonia as a child and my Granddad passed away last October from pneumonia.
They finally let my friends through to sit with me. The lovely doctor Emma came to see me. She listened to my chest and done a few other checks. She decided I needed a chest xray. They waited til my friends had gone for a break before they took me, It was scary being wheeled through to resus. It's daunting going in. Lying there just staring at the ceiling. The radiologists made me feel very relaxed while I was having it done.
Came back and E returned as Y had to go home. The doctor brought me strong antibiotics. Which smell and taste like milkybar. Yum!
I had an ECG done that was quite fuzzy aparantly. E made me laugh as she was pretending to be a doctor. I asked what I should tell my parents. The doctor said that I had Pneumonia (liquid on my lungs which showed up on the xray and examination) lucky for me it was mildso it meant that I could be treated at home if I wanted or stay in hospital. I chose to go home.
E took me home in a taxi. I got home about 1.30am.
The advice I was given is not to sit in the sun, BOO!! Rest lots! Plenty of fluids, take the antibiotics (2 tablets twice a day) and that if there is no change by Sunday night or that I get pains in my chest I'm to go straight back.
I'm glad I went to hospital now. I had planned to get an appointment at GP on Friday. If I had of waited til then it would have been alot worse. It sucks that I can't go out when it's such gorgeous weather. As I'm writing this I'm sitting staring at the window. I feel like I'm grounded. My Mum says she will take me to corner shop in a bit. I'm just thankful that my friends took me last night, who knows what might of happened if I waited til Friday.
Saturday 26 May 2012
Tuesday 8 May 2012
One regret
3 hours 32 minutes 57 seconds
That is how long it has been since the start of what is going to be one of the hardest days possible
Yeah I know I signed that form allowing it to be done....
I never should have signed it. If it had only been 24 hours later my decision would have been totally different.
He left me when he knew I couldn't change my mind. He told me he would be there for me then after that form, he said 'Let's just be friends this isn't working.'
By then it was too late to change my mind. The deed had been done.
I done it for him. That was what he wanted. I wanted very differently.
I know my friends don't think I made the right choice and do you know what?
They are right. My choice was based around what he wanted, he led me to believe it was the right choice. I didn't get to think about what I wanted til it was too late.
Everyday I have to deal with the choice I made. It's horrible, nothing can ever change how I feel about it. No one is there who understands or that can help me through it.
I feel so very empty and sad like I'm in mourning. You didn't do anything wrong in this world for me to inflict that upon it, that much pain. My only wish now is to be there with you now holding you so tightly. I wan't to be up there with you. Daddy might not of loved you but I certainly did.
You were inside me but only for a while
Only in my dreams do I embrace your smile.
In my thoughts I see you, my bleeding heart is torn
for my darling little baby who would never be born.
Though my arms ache to hold you, my grief so hard to bear.
The pain you must have felt that day, my pain cannot compare.
If I could live my life again, there would be one less regret.
The day I took my baby's life, the day I can't forget.
I wan't to make it right but I don't know how.
I just want to be up there
holding my angel tightly for the rest of eternity
That is how long it has been since the start of what is going to be one of the hardest days possible
Yeah I know I signed that form allowing it to be done....
I never should have signed it. If it had only been 24 hours later my decision would have been totally different.
He left me when he knew I couldn't change my mind. He told me he would be there for me then after that form, he said 'Let's just be friends this isn't working.'
By then it was too late to change my mind. The deed had been done.
I done it for him. That was what he wanted. I wanted very differently.
I know my friends don't think I made the right choice and do you know what?
They are right. My choice was based around what he wanted, he led me to believe it was the right choice. I didn't get to think about what I wanted til it was too late.
Everyday I have to deal with the choice I made. It's horrible, nothing can ever change how I feel about it. No one is there who understands or that can help me through it.
I feel so very empty and sad like I'm in mourning. You didn't do anything wrong in this world for me to inflict that upon it, that much pain. My only wish now is to be there with you now holding you so tightly. I wan't to be up there with you. Daddy might not of loved you but I certainly did.
You were inside me but only for a while
Only in my dreams do I embrace your smile.
In my thoughts I see you, my bleeding heart is torn
for my darling little baby who would never be born.
Though my arms ache to hold you, my grief so hard to bear.
The pain you must have felt that day, my pain cannot compare.
If I could live my life again, there would be one less regret.
The day I took my baby's life, the day I can't forget.
I wan't to make it right but I don't know how.
I just want to be up there
holding my angel tightly for the rest of eternity
Monday 7 May 2012
Update
I haven't blogged in a while, I have been having a hard couple of weeks.
I had a lovely time out with Lois and Rachael TS. We went to Eteaket and had tea and cake. I had the most incredible Victoria sponge. It had 3 layers of sponge with cream and jam between them and on the top was buttercream and raspberries. It was very yummy but I couldn't finish it all. We sat and had a great catch-up including seeing pictures of L very very DRUNK! It made me laugh so much.
My ex told me that he never loved me or even wanted to be friends with me. The only reason he did was because he knew I was having a hard time and he thought that being there would be good for me.
Yeah it was good for me but not now that I know it was all a lie.
I don't even know where the conversation came from. We were just having a normal chat on Facebook and then all of a sudden it was an attack against me. It really upset me, so I went for a walk along the beach. Came back and he had deleted and blocked me from Twitter and Facebook. Atleast it is one less job for me to do.
He said I was boring! I might be boring now but that's only because if I just let myself act how I want to be then we would have a bigger problem. The last time I was 'me'- I went swimming in the sea at night, my eating was messed up etc. So to be honest call me boring if you want! I'd rather be that than a danger to myself!
My Birthday itself was a rather quiet affair. Had a long lie. Went out for lunch at a cafe called Cafe Florentin in Stockbridge. They had the most amazing french food. I had soup and french bread. I also tried my Mums croque monsieur. Which was a toasted sandwich with ham and jarlsberg cheese with a bechamel sauce. I didn't enjoy that at all, but then again I don't do sandwiches. We picked up some very delightful cakes from there. I had a fresh fruit tart with a creme anglais filling. People that know me know I am not a fan of traditional birthday cakes so my Mum put a candle on my tart. In the past years I have had chocolate teacakes and chocolate finger biscuits.
We went home and I opened my presents. I got lots of bath stuff, Pyjamas, some money from my great aunt who thought it was my 18th birhday...Again! I also got nail polish and nail art items, new Marc Jacobs perfume, Anthropologie jumper, chocolates and stuff like that.
I played backgammon with my Dad in the afternoon. For dinner I had Chop Chop delivered. Had loads of Dim sum. Sat and watched Bridesmaids and went to bed. Even though I wasn't well at all I still had a good birthday.
I went to see Calender Girls at the Festival Theatre with my Mum last Saturday. I had bought her the tickets for her at Christmas. I wasn't sure if I would enjoy it but it was really good. It had lots of famous faces in it. Worst part was how steep the steps were so my Mum had to hold me to make sure I didn't fall. We went for cocktails afterwards at Browns. The fire alarm went off so we had to wait outside while the fire brigade came.
Went back to the doctors last week. I seen someone new again due to them not having any appoinments left til Tuesday. She checked me over and hadn't read my notes so said she would refer me to Neurologist, I explained I already had. So she said she will contact them so I get seen sooner as she isn't happy with my symptoms.
It's been a rather mixed couple of weeks
I had a lovely time out with Lois and Rachael TS. We went to Eteaket and had tea and cake. I had the most incredible Victoria sponge. It had 3 layers of sponge with cream and jam between them and on the top was buttercream and raspberries. It was very yummy but I couldn't finish it all. We sat and had a great catch-up including seeing pictures of L very very DRUNK! It made me laugh so much.
My ex told me that he never loved me or even wanted to be friends with me. The only reason he did was because he knew I was having a hard time and he thought that being there would be good for me.
Yeah it was good for me but not now that I know it was all a lie.
I don't even know where the conversation came from. We were just having a normal chat on Facebook and then all of a sudden it was an attack against me. It really upset me, so I went for a walk along the beach. Came back and he had deleted and blocked me from Twitter and Facebook. Atleast it is one less job for me to do.
He said I was boring! I might be boring now but that's only because if I just let myself act how I want to be then we would have a bigger problem. The last time I was 'me'- I went swimming in the sea at night, my eating was messed up etc. So to be honest call me boring if you want! I'd rather be that than a danger to myself!
My Birthday itself was a rather quiet affair. Had a long lie. Went out for lunch at a cafe called Cafe Florentin in Stockbridge. They had the most amazing french food. I had soup and french bread. I also tried my Mums croque monsieur. Which was a toasted sandwich with ham and jarlsberg cheese with a bechamel sauce. I didn't enjoy that at all, but then again I don't do sandwiches. We picked up some very delightful cakes from there. I had a fresh fruit tart with a creme anglais filling. People that know me know I am not a fan of traditional birthday cakes so my Mum put a candle on my tart. In the past years I have had chocolate teacakes and chocolate finger biscuits.
We went home and I opened my presents. I got lots of bath stuff, Pyjamas, some money from my great aunt who thought it was my 18th birhday...Again! I also got nail polish and nail art items, new Marc Jacobs perfume, Anthropologie jumper, chocolates and stuff like that.
I played backgammon with my Dad in the afternoon. For dinner I had Chop Chop delivered. Had loads of Dim sum. Sat and watched Bridesmaids and went to bed. Even though I wasn't well at all I still had a good birthday.
I went to see Calender Girls at the Festival Theatre with my Mum last Saturday. I had bought her the tickets for her at Christmas. I wasn't sure if I would enjoy it but it was really good. It had lots of famous faces in it. Worst part was how steep the steps were so my Mum had to hold me to make sure I didn't fall. We went for cocktails afterwards at Browns. The fire alarm went off so we had to wait outside while the fire brigade came.
Went back to the doctors last week. I seen someone new again due to them not having any appoinments left til Tuesday. She checked me over and hadn't read my notes so said she would refer me to Neurologist, I explained I already had. So she said she will contact them so I get seen sooner as she isn't happy with my symptoms.
It's been a rather mixed couple of weeks
Saturday 21 April 2012
I thought making friends was meant to be easy?
I think I have messed things up with my friends, majorly.
Throughout my life I have struggled to keep hold of friends for longer than 4 months. I always thought there was something wrong with me. Years went by, with friends walking in and out of my life. Twice I had birthday parties that noone turned up to. Finally at the age of 17 I was told by my psychiatrist that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. He said that was why I struggled with people, he said I would always find it hard to keep friends. I wanted to prove him wrong so bad but I think I am proving him right.
I took something someone said as a joke to heart and we fell out over it. We are talking again now but things just don't seem the same. I wish I could turn back time and be friends like we were. We used to have such fun times together. We went to the fireworks in 2010 and landed up having to call the fire brigade as a bin was on fire. Then she came back to mine and we warmed up with hot water bottles. I miss these fun times. I wish I didn't mess things up.
With another one of my friends I upset her because of something I said. I said I couldn't understand how she could waste that opportunity and the money. She knows what I'm talking about if she reads this. It was the context that it was taken in that was the problem. I meant I doubt very much that she could do that when all I know is that she is the most lovely, caring and genorous girl I have met. I blame the ED. They change people. I don't like what ED does to people. I know she would never do that, it was the ED. I wish I had made it more clear that, that was what I meant. I hate the fact that I have upset someone I care alot about. She always cared about me and I hurt her, for that I am truely sorry. I thought we would be friends forever, now were barely aquaintances. It upsets me knowing it's my fault we aren't as friendly.
I have probably upset other friends aswell. I don't mean to push you away and upset you. I had invited 5 people to come out with me for my birthday. Now only 2 are coming. They probably have a very good reason why they can't come but I can't help thinking it's because of me.
I don't like the term Borderline Personality Disorder. It makes it seem like there is something wrong with my personality, something wrong with me and who I am. I always feel myself trying to push people away so that I don't get close to them so they can leave me like other people have. I was told I would struggle to hold down a relationship. My doctor even said that if I had kids I would probably be a single mum. I don't think it is fair to say these things to someone.
When people found out I had a personality disorder alot of people distanced themselves away from me, labelling me 'Crazy' and that 'I should be locked up in a mental institute'. I am still the same Megan, nothing has changed there. Just they have labelled me, put me in this box, that I don't like. I have heard alot of doctors say pretty much everyone has enough symptoms to be diagnosed with it. People need to learn that just because I have a label, I didn't change overnight when I got it. I am exactly the same person.
I always wondered why some things for me were harder than for other people. Things like I struggle to spend money on myself. So my parents buy me clothes at Christmas and on my Birthday. Knowing what I want to do in life. Most people have known since they were very young what they wanted to do, I didn't, even now.
Throughout my life I have struggled to keep hold of friends for longer than 4 months. I always thought there was something wrong with me. Years went by, with friends walking in and out of my life. Twice I had birthday parties that noone turned up to. Finally at the age of 17 I was told by my psychiatrist that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. He said that was why I struggled with people, he said I would always find it hard to keep friends. I wanted to prove him wrong so bad but I think I am proving him right.
I took something someone said as a joke to heart and we fell out over it. We are talking again now but things just don't seem the same. I wish I could turn back time and be friends like we were. We used to have such fun times together. We went to the fireworks in 2010 and landed up having to call the fire brigade as a bin was on fire. Then she came back to mine and we warmed up with hot water bottles. I miss these fun times. I wish I didn't mess things up.
With another one of my friends I upset her because of something I said. I said I couldn't understand how she could waste that opportunity and the money. She knows what I'm talking about if she reads this. It was the context that it was taken in that was the problem. I meant I doubt very much that she could do that when all I know is that she is the most lovely, caring and genorous girl I have met. I blame the ED. They change people. I don't like what ED does to people. I know she would never do that, it was the ED. I wish I had made it more clear that, that was what I meant. I hate the fact that I have upset someone I care alot about. She always cared about me and I hurt her, for that I am truely sorry. I thought we would be friends forever, now were barely aquaintances. It upsets me knowing it's my fault we aren't as friendly.
I have probably upset other friends aswell. I don't mean to push you away and upset you. I had invited 5 people to come out with me for my birthday. Now only 2 are coming. They probably have a very good reason why they can't come but I can't help thinking it's because of me.
I don't like the term Borderline Personality Disorder. It makes it seem like there is something wrong with my personality, something wrong with me and who I am. I always feel myself trying to push people away so that I don't get close to them so they can leave me like other people have. I was told I would struggle to hold down a relationship. My doctor even said that if I had kids I would probably be a single mum. I don't think it is fair to say these things to someone.
When people found out I had a personality disorder alot of people distanced themselves away from me, labelling me 'Crazy' and that 'I should be locked up in a mental institute'. I am still the same Megan, nothing has changed there. Just they have labelled me, put me in this box, that I don't like. I have heard alot of doctors say pretty much everyone has enough symptoms to be diagnosed with it. People need to learn that just because I have a label, I didn't change overnight when I got it. I am exactly the same person.
I always wondered why some things for me were harder than for other people. Things like I struggle to spend money on myself. So my parents buy me clothes at Christmas and on my Birthday. Knowing what I want to do in life. Most people have known since they were very young what they wanted to do, I didn't, even now.
Friday 20 April 2012
See it through my eyes
I wish I could say that I feel better but I can't. I don't feel better, at all.
I play down my symptoms to my family and friends. I don't want them to know how scared I am and how much pain I am in.
Tonight my Dad asked me to give him a passport picture so he could get my drivers license and lessons for my birthday. I had to explain to him that I can't drive at the moment and that I am not sure if I ever will be able to, due to my eyesight problems. I think he now realises how serious this issue is. I don't want to have to rely people to read things for me, I still try and read the newspaper everyday but it's hard to do with just one good eye.
The spasms are getting worse. They are now happening more frequently in my hands. It takes longer to write things on my laptop. There are always extra spaces or letters in the piece I am writing. I then have to go back and sort it out. I'm still getting the spasms in the rest of my body just as bad.
My headache is ridiculous, I feel like I'm going to be sick alot of the time. It feels like it's coming from behind my left eye. It gets worse when I move i.e leaning forward. I am constantly sleepy, which for me is very unusual as I have always had trouble getting to sleep. My mind forgets things. Today I was forgeting peoples names which made me really upset and frustrated at myself. Sometimes when I talk things don'r come out right, like using the wrong word or not making sense. I am normally really good at maths my head now struggles working simple things out.
On the upside I have an interview for college to do nursing, I really want a place on this course. I just hope I can stay calm in the interview and make sense when I am being interviewed.
On Sunday I am meeting my friends for tea and cake to celebrate my birthday, which is on Wednesday. I am really looking forward to having some nice chat. Just hope I can keep my symptoms under control.
Simple things I must remember
Must remember pain killers
Take my time while walking so not to fall
Make it off the bus in one piece
Make it up the stairs at the coffee shop in one piece
Try not to burn myself with tea again
Have a nice time
Don't let how I feel come up in conversation
My friends know that I haven't been well and they know that I have been referred to the Neurologist. They don't know the full extent of everything. Some things need to remain private so not to upset or worry anyone.
Now all I have to do is find something to wear....
I play down my symptoms to my family and friends. I don't want them to know how scared I am and how much pain I am in.
Tonight my Dad asked me to give him a passport picture so he could get my drivers license and lessons for my birthday. I had to explain to him that I can't drive at the moment and that I am not sure if I ever will be able to, due to my eyesight problems. I think he now realises how serious this issue is. I don't want to have to rely people to read things for me, I still try and read the newspaper everyday but it's hard to do with just one good eye.
The spasms are getting worse. They are now happening more frequently in my hands. It takes longer to write things on my laptop. There are always extra spaces or letters in the piece I am writing. I then have to go back and sort it out. I'm still getting the spasms in the rest of my body just as bad.
My headache is ridiculous, I feel like I'm going to be sick alot of the time. It feels like it's coming from behind my left eye. It gets worse when I move i.e leaning forward. I am constantly sleepy, which for me is very unusual as I have always had trouble getting to sleep. My mind forgets things. Today I was forgeting peoples names which made me really upset and frustrated at myself. Sometimes when I talk things don'r come out right, like using the wrong word or not making sense. I am normally really good at maths my head now struggles working simple things out.
On the upside I have an interview for college to do nursing, I really want a place on this course. I just hope I can stay calm in the interview and make sense when I am being interviewed.
On Sunday I am meeting my friends for tea and cake to celebrate my birthday, which is on Wednesday. I am really looking forward to having some nice chat. Just hope I can keep my symptoms under control.
Simple things I must remember
Must remember pain killers
Take my time while walking so not to fall
Make it off the bus in one piece
Make it up the stairs at the coffee shop in one piece
Try not to burn myself with tea again
Have a nice time
Don't let how I feel come up in conversation
My friends know that I haven't been well and they know that I have been referred to the Neurologist. They don't know the full extent of everything. Some things need to remain private so not to upset or worry anyone.
Now all I have to do is find something to wear....
Monday 16 April 2012
Things aren't great but they are moving foward
Finally plucked up the courage to tell the doctor the whole truth, that I was scared. I seen the most lovely doctor ever. She asked me what was wrong. I explained to her my symptoms. My loss of vision, the headaches, the problems with my muscles and just how scared I was.
She ran through a load of tests. Checking my eyesight and reflexes. She says my eyesight isn't right and that I am seeing double and things are blurry. She asked if I had pain in my eye? I nodded. I could see the fear in her face. The reflexes tests weren't good either. They showed that some parts were over-sensitive or jumpy as the Doctor put it and to other tests I didn't react at all. She asked me to hop and I kept wobbling.
I was expecting her just to say that things were normal and that there was nothing wrong with me. Instead she told me she was referring me to Neurologist.
Normally I don't worry about things but this is to do with my brain. I can live without an arm or a leg but I can't live without a brain.
I cried all the way home. Told my Mum, she just hugged me and told me 'Not to worry, if there was something to worry about I would be at the hospital.'
I have been having symptoms since June 2011. This is now April 2012. I have been going to the Doctors every month and only now they do something. I am glad I seen a different Doctor today. I am extremely grateful to her.
She ran through a load of tests. Checking my eyesight and reflexes. She says my eyesight isn't right and that I am seeing double and things are blurry. She asked if I had pain in my eye? I nodded. I could see the fear in her face. The reflexes tests weren't good either. They showed that some parts were over-sensitive or jumpy as the Doctor put it and to other tests I didn't react at all. She asked me to hop and I kept wobbling.
I was expecting her just to say that things were normal and that there was nothing wrong with me. Instead she told me she was referring me to Neurologist.
Normally I don't worry about things but this is to do with my brain. I can live without an arm or a leg but I can't live without a brain.
I cried all the way home. Told my Mum, she just hugged me and told me 'Not to worry, if there was something to worry about I would be at the hospital.'
I have been having symptoms since June 2011. This is now April 2012. I have been going to the Doctors every month and only now they do something. I am glad I seen a different Doctor today. I am extremely grateful to her.
Thursday 8 March 2012
What do Ex's say about you?
I wonder what my ex-boyfriends say about me? Not literally, I mean what does my choice in partners say about me?
I have gone out with a variety of different types of guys.
How about the guy who was such a bad boyfriend that he turned TWO of his ex-girlfriends lesbian and now they go out with each other?
Or the 'Gangster', who lived in a gated community and wore all the right clothes, yet had lego in his room and a cuddly dinosaur in his bed?
Or the Posh ski boy, who lied about me? Telling his friends that i had slept with him. When I had only ever hugged him.
Or the Rugby boy, who tried to bribe me with money, so I would go to his house when I was meant to be at school. Who when he set a school on fire said ''It's fine my parents will pay for the damage''?
Or the Drugged up boy, who was failing university. He stayed in a lovely flat in the New Town, which I later found out he funded by selling drugs?
Or the seemingly nice guy, who lied to me about taking drugs, ignored me, left me in the worst predicament anyone ever could and left me to deal with it.by dumping me soon after my Granddad dies?
These boys represent themselves and not me. People that know me know what sort of person i am. I have never touched a drug in my life, would never set a school on fire, would never lie and I would never sell drugs. People shouldn't taint others with the same brush if they don't know the story.
I have gone out with a variety of different types of guys.
How about the guy who was such a bad boyfriend that he turned TWO of his ex-girlfriends lesbian and now they go out with each other?
Or the 'Gangster', who lived in a gated community and wore all the right clothes, yet had lego in his room and a cuddly dinosaur in his bed?
Or the Posh ski boy, who lied about me? Telling his friends that i had slept with him. When I had only ever hugged him.
Or the Rugby boy, who tried to bribe me with money, so I would go to his house when I was meant to be at school. Who when he set a school on fire said ''It's fine my parents will pay for the damage''?
Or the Drugged up boy, who was failing university. He stayed in a lovely flat in the New Town, which I later found out he funded by selling drugs?
Or the seemingly nice guy, who lied to me about taking drugs, ignored me, left me in the worst predicament anyone ever could and left me to deal with it.by dumping me soon after my Granddad dies?
These boys represent themselves and not me. People that know me know what sort of person i am. I have never touched a drug in my life, would never set a school on fire, would never lie and I would never sell drugs. People shouldn't taint others with the same brush if they don't know the story.
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