I thought making friends was meant to be easy?

I think I have messed things up with my friends, majorly.

Throughout my life I have struggled to keep hold of friends for longer than 4 months. I always thought there was something wrong with me. Years went by, with friends walking in and out of my life. Twice I had birthday parties that noone turned up to. Finally at the age of 17 I was told by my psychiatrist that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. He said that was why I struggled with people, he said I would always find it hard to keep friends. I wanted to prove him wrong so bad but I think I am proving him right.

I took something someone said as a joke to heart and we fell out over it. We are talking again now but things just don't seem the same. I wish I could turn back time and be friends like we were. We used to have such fun times together. We went to the fireworks in 2010 and landed up having to call the fire brigade as a bin was on fire. Then she came back to mine and we warmed up with hot water bottles. I miss these fun times. I wish I didn't mess things up.

With another one of my friends I upset her because of something I said. I said I couldn't understand how she could waste that opportunity and the money. She knows what I'm talking about if she reads this. It was the context that it was taken in that was the problem. I meant I doubt very much that she could do that when all I know is that she is the most lovely, caring and genorous girl I have met. I blame the ED. They change people. I don't like what ED does to people. I know she would never do that, it was the ED. I wish I had made it more clear that, that was what I meant. I hate the fact that I have upset someone I care alot about. She always cared about me and I hurt her, for that I am truely sorry. I thought we would be friends forever, now were barely aquaintances. It upsets me knowing it's my fault we aren't as friendly.

I have probably upset other friends aswell. I don't mean to push you away and upset you. I had invited 5 people to come out with me for my birthday. Now only 2 are coming. They probably have a very good reason why they can't come but I can't help thinking it's because of me.

I don't like the term Borderline Personality Disorder. It makes it seem like there is something wrong with my personality, something wrong with me and who I am. I always feel myself trying to push people away so that I don't get close to them so they can leave me like other people have. I was told I would struggle to hold down a relationship. My doctor even said that if I had kids I would probably be a single mum. I don't think it is fair to say these things to someone.

When people found out I had a personality disorder alot of people distanced themselves away from me, labelling me 'Crazy' and that 'I should be locked up in a mental institute'. I am still the same Megan, nothing has changed there. Just they have labelled me, put me in this box, that I don't like. I have heard alot of doctors say pretty much everyone has enough symptoms to be diagnosed with it. People need to learn that just because I have a label, I didn't change overnight when I got it. I am exactly the same person.

I always wondered why some things for me were harder than for other people. Things like I struggle to spend money on myself. So my parents buy me clothes at Christmas and on my Birthday. Knowing what I want to do in life. Most people have known since they were very young what they wanted to do, I didn't, even now.