Eventful Friday nights

Went for a picnic yesterday with Y and E. We sat in the meadows surrounded by hundreds of other people.

We wined and dined, quite literally. Rose wine, artichokes, french bread, humous and fruit salad.

We laughed and joked. It was a great evening til it went bad....

I've had this wheezing cough for about 4 days. If I breathe in or out too much and I go into a coughing fit and can't catch my breathe. I was coughing when I was out, so I left them to walk to the bus stop. I made it about 100 yards before I couldn't move because I was coughing so much. I text E to come and meet me. They came and helped me get to the bus stop.

They decided my breathing was that bad I should go to Hospital. So off we went. By the time I arrived I was having to lean on the reception desk unable to talk as I couldn't catch my breathe. They wheeled me away and left E and Y in the waiting room. My temperature was 38.4, I had a fever,hough I felt cold all day. I had all the regualar checks done bloods, blood sugar, blood pressure and oxygen levels.

I was asked if I had any family history of chest problems. Both my Mum and my Dad have asthma. My Mums is very severe. My Dad had pneumonia as a child and my Granddad passed away last October from pneumonia.

They finally let my friends through to sit with me. The lovely doctor Emma came to see me. She listened to my chest and done a few other checks. She decided I needed a chest xray. They waited til my friends had gone for a break before they took me, It was scary being wheeled through to resus. It's daunting going in. Lying there just staring at the ceiling. The radiologists made me feel very relaxed while I was having it done.

Came back and E returned as Y had to go home. The doctor brought me strong antibiotics. Which smell and taste like milkybar. Yum!

I had an ECG done that was quite fuzzy aparantly. E made me laugh as she was pretending to be a doctor. I asked what I should tell my parents. The doctor said that I had Pneumonia (liquid on my lungs which showed up on the xray and examination) lucky for me it was mildso it meant that I could be treated at home if I wanted or stay in hospital. I chose to go home.

E took me home in a taxi. I got home about 1.30am.

The advice I was given is not to sit in the sun, BOO!! Rest lots! Plenty of fluids, take the antibiotics (2 tablets twice a day) and that if there is no change by Sunday night or that I get pains in my chest I'm to go straight back.

I'm glad I went to hospital now. I had planned to get an appointment at GP on Friday. If I had of waited til then it would have been alot worse. It sucks that I can't go out when it's such gorgeous weather. As I'm writing this I'm sitting staring at the window. I feel like I'm grounded. My Mum says she will take me to corner shop in a bit. I'm just thankful that my friends took me last night, who knows what might of happened if I waited til Friday.

One regret

3 hours 32 minutes 57 seconds

That is how long it has been since the start of what is going to be one of the hardest days possible

Yeah I know I signed that form allowing it to be done....
I never should have signed it. If it had only been 24 hours later my decision would have been totally different.
He left me when he knew I couldn't change my mind. He told me he would be there for me then after that form, he said 'Let's just be friends this isn't working.'
By then it was too late to change my mind. The deed had been done.

I done it for him. That was what he wanted. I wanted very differently.

I know my friends don't think I made the right choice and do you know what?
They are right. My choice was based around what he wanted, he led me to believe it was the right choice. I didn't get to think about what I wanted til it was too late.

Everyday I have to deal with the choice I made. It's horrible, nothing can ever change how I feel about it. No one is there who understands or that can help me through it.

I feel so very empty and sad like I'm in mourning. You didn't do anything wrong in this world for me to inflict that upon it, that much pain. My only wish now is to be there with you now holding you so tightly. I wan't to be up there with you. Daddy might not of loved you but I certainly did.

You were inside me but only for a while
Only in my dreams do I embrace your smile.

In my thoughts I see you, my bleeding heart is torn
for my darling little baby who would never be born.

Though my arms ache to hold you, my grief so hard to bear.
The pain you must have felt that day, my pain cannot compare.

If I could live my life again, there would be one less regret.
The day I took my baby's life, the day I can't forget.

I wan't to make it right but I don't know how.
I just want to be up there
holding my angel tightly for the rest of eternity

Update

I haven't blogged in a while, I have been having a hard couple of weeks.

I had a lovely time out with Lois and Rachael TS. We went to Eteaket and had tea and cake. I had the most incredible Victoria sponge. It had 3 layers of sponge with cream and jam between them and on the top was buttercream and raspberries. It was very yummy but I couldn't finish it all. We sat and had a great catch-up including seeing pictures of L very very DRUNK! It made me laugh so much.

My ex told me that he never loved me or even wanted to be friends with me. The only reason he did was because he knew I was having a hard time and he thought that being there would be good for me.

Yeah it was good for me but not now that I know it was all a lie.

I don't even know where the conversation came from. We were just having a normal chat on Facebook and then all of a sudden it was an attack against me. It really upset me, so I went for a walk along the beach. Came back and he had deleted and blocked me from Twitter and Facebook. Atleast it is one less job for me to do.

He said I was boring! I might be boring now but that's only because if I just let myself act how I want to be then we would have a bigger problem. The last time I was 'me'- I went swimming in the sea at night, my eating was messed up etc. So to be honest call me boring if you want! I'd rather be that than a danger to myself!

My Birthday itself was a rather quiet affair. Had a long lie. Went out for lunch at a cafe called Cafe Florentin in Stockbridge. They had the most amazing french food. I had soup and french bread. I also tried my Mums croque monsieur. Which was a toasted sandwich with ham and jarlsberg cheese with a bechamel sauce. I didn't enjoy that at all, but then again I don't do sandwiches. We picked up some very delightful cakes from there. I had a fresh fruit tart with a creme anglais filling. People that know me know I am not a fan of traditional birthday cakes so my Mum put a candle on my tart. In the past years I have had chocolate teacakes and chocolate finger biscuits.

We went home and I opened my presents. I got lots of bath stuff, Pyjamas, some money from my great aunt who thought it was my 18th birhday...Again! I also got nail polish and nail art items, new Marc Jacobs perfume, Anthropologie jumper, chocolates and stuff like that.

I played backgammon with my Dad in the afternoon. For dinner I had Chop Chop delivered. Had loads of Dim sum. Sat and watched Bridesmaids and went to bed. Even though I wasn't well at all I still had a good birthday.

I went to see Calender Girls at the Festival Theatre with my Mum last Saturday. I had bought her the tickets for her at Christmas. I wasn't sure if I would enjoy it but it was really good. It had lots of famous faces in it. Worst part was how steep the steps were so my Mum had to hold me to make sure I didn't fall. We went for cocktails afterwards at Browns. The fire alarm went off so we had to wait outside while the fire brigade came.

Went back to the doctors last week. I seen someone new again due to them not having any appoinments left til Tuesday. She checked me over and hadn't read my notes so said she would refer me to Neurologist, I explained I already had. So she said she will contact them so I get seen sooner as she isn't happy with my symptoms.

It's been a rather mixed couple of weeks