I thought making friends was meant to be easy?

I think I have messed things up with my friends, majorly.

Throughout my life I have struggled to keep hold of friends for longer than 4 months. I always thought there was something wrong with me. Years went by, with friends walking in and out of my life. Twice I had birthday parties that noone turned up to. Finally at the age of 17 I was told by my psychiatrist that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. He said that was why I struggled with people, he said I would always find it hard to keep friends. I wanted to prove him wrong so bad but I think I am proving him right.

I took something someone said as a joke to heart and we fell out over it. We are talking again now but things just don't seem the same. I wish I could turn back time and be friends like we were. We used to have such fun times together. We went to the fireworks in 2010 and landed up having to call the fire brigade as a bin was on fire. Then she came back to mine and we warmed up with hot water bottles. I miss these fun times. I wish I didn't mess things up.

With another one of my friends I upset her because of something I said. I said I couldn't understand how she could waste that opportunity and the money. She knows what I'm talking about if she reads this. It was the context that it was taken in that was the problem. I meant I doubt very much that she could do that when all I know is that she is the most lovely, caring and genorous girl I have met. I blame the ED. They change people. I don't like what ED does to people. I know she would never do that, it was the ED. I wish I had made it more clear that, that was what I meant. I hate the fact that I have upset someone I care alot about. She always cared about me and I hurt her, for that I am truely sorry. I thought we would be friends forever, now were barely aquaintances. It upsets me knowing it's my fault we aren't as friendly.

I have probably upset other friends aswell. I don't mean to push you away and upset you. I had invited 5 people to come out with me for my birthday. Now only 2 are coming. They probably have a very good reason why they can't come but I can't help thinking it's because of me.

I don't like the term Borderline Personality Disorder. It makes it seem like there is something wrong with my personality, something wrong with me and who I am. I always feel myself trying to push people away so that I don't get close to them so they can leave me like other people have. I was told I would struggle to hold down a relationship. My doctor even said that if I had kids I would probably be a single mum. I don't think it is fair to say these things to someone.

When people found out I had a personality disorder alot of people distanced themselves away from me, labelling me 'Crazy' and that 'I should be locked up in a mental institute'. I am still the same Megan, nothing has changed there. Just they have labelled me, put me in this box, that I don't like. I have heard alot of doctors say pretty much everyone has enough symptoms to be diagnosed with it. People need to learn that just because I have a label, I didn't change overnight when I got it. I am exactly the same person.

I always wondered why some things for me were harder than for other people. Things like I struggle to spend money on myself. So my parents buy me clothes at Christmas and on my Birthday. Knowing what I want to do in life. Most people have known since they were very young what they wanted to do, I didn't, even now.

See it through my eyes

I wish I could say that I feel better but I can't. I don't feel better, at all.

I play down my symptoms to my family and friends. I don't want them to know how scared I am and how much pain I am in.

Tonight my Dad asked me to give him a passport picture so he could get my drivers license and lessons for my birthday. I had to explain to him that I can't drive at the moment and that I am not sure if I ever will be able to, due to my eyesight problems. I think he now realises how serious this issue is. I don't want to have to rely people to read things for me, I still try and read the newspaper everyday but it's hard to do with just one good eye.

The spasms are getting worse. They are now happening more frequently in my hands. It takes longer to write things on my laptop. There are always extra spaces or letters in the piece I am writing. I then have to go back and sort it out. I'm still getting the spasms in the rest of my body just as bad.

My headache is ridiculous, I feel like I'm going to be sick alot of the time. It feels like it's coming from behind my left eye. It gets worse when I move i.e leaning forward. I am constantly sleepy, which for me is very unusual as I have always had trouble getting to sleep. My mind forgets things. Today I was forgeting peoples names which made me really upset and frustrated at myself. Sometimes when I talk things don'r come out right, like using the wrong word or not making sense. I am normally really good at maths my head now struggles working simple things out.

On the upside I have an interview for college to do nursing, I really want a place on this course. I just hope I can stay calm in the interview and make sense when I am being interviewed.

On Sunday I am meeting my friends for tea and cake to celebrate my birthday, which is on Wednesday. I am really looking forward to having some nice chat. Just hope I can keep my symptoms under control.

Simple things I must remember
Must remember pain killers
Take my time while walking so not to fall
Make it off the bus in one piece
Make it up the stairs at the coffee shop in one piece
Try not to burn myself with tea again
Have a nice time
Don't let how I feel come up in conversation

My friends know that I haven't been well and they know that I have been referred to the Neurologist. They don't know the full extent of everything. Some things need to remain private so not to upset or worry anyone.

Now all I have to do is find something to wear....

Things aren't great but they are moving foward

Finally plucked up the courage to tell the doctor the whole truth, that I was scared. I seen the most lovely doctor ever. She asked me what was wrong. I explained to her my symptoms. My loss of vision, the headaches, the problems with my muscles and just how scared I was.

She ran through a load of tests. Checking my eyesight and reflexes. She says my eyesight isn't right and that I am seeing double and things are blurry. She asked if I had pain in my eye? I nodded. I could see the fear in her face. The reflexes tests weren't good either. They showed that some parts were over-sensitive or jumpy as the Doctor put it and to other tests I didn't react at all. She asked me to hop and I kept wobbling.

I was expecting her just to say that things were normal and that there was nothing wrong with me. Instead she told me she was referring me to Neurologist.

Normally I don't worry about things but this is to do with my brain. I can live without an arm or a leg but I can't live without a brain.

I cried all the way home. Told my Mum, she just hugged me and told me 'Not to worry, if there was something to worry about I would be at the hospital.'

I have been having symptoms since June 2011. This is now April 2012. I have been going to the Doctors every month and only now they do something. I am glad I seen a different Doctor today. I am extremely grateful to her.